


Hold On To The Memories (They Will Hold On To You)

by magnusbicon



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Dimension, Angst, Canon Compliant, Family Angst, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Introspection, M/M, Magnus Bane-centric, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 17:56:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17288693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnusbicon/pseuds/magnusbicon
Summary: In the midst of a battle with a greater demon, Magnus is pushed into a portal that leads him to another dimension. When he arrives, he finds not only himself, but someone he thought he would never see again.





	Hold On To The Memories (They Will Hold On To You)

**Author's Note:**

> I stayed up until 4 a.m. last night writing this fic, and I have to say, I did a good job of making myself cry. This entire concept just hits me so hard, and the process of writing this ended up being so personal and almost therapeutic in a way. It made me think about the impossible: what would I say to a lost loved one if I could see them again? How would I reconcile all of those emotions in order to even have a productive conversation? How would I be able to walk away afterwards, knowing that someone who had played such a huge role in my life was right there? They're tough questions, and even tougher to imagine. 
> 
> I got this idea after watching the new Spider Verse movie. I won't spoil, but there is a moment between Peter and Aunt May that stuck out as one of my absolute favorite scenes. I highly recommend it if you haven't gone to see it yet. 
> 
> ♥︎

“Magnus!”

It was the most familiar sound in the world, the yell of his name as he ran into danger. It stemmed back to long before his time with Alec, though he had no problem admitting that he had grown particularly fond of the Shadowhunter’s voice. Ragnor had yelled it the first time he tried walking on a tightrope. Lovers had yelled it as he danced into crowded streets and beckoned for them to follow. Camille had yelled it as he leaned over the railing of the Brooklyn bridge, watching as his tears fell down into the water below.

But this time was different than the others. This time his steps weren’t intentional.

He ran toward the bright green portal against every piece of his will, against all logic in his brain screaming at him to stop. He had no control over his legs as they closed the distance between himself and the captivating mass of wind before him, and somehow he knew that this would change him in a way he would never recover from.

One more time: “Magnus!”

Even in panic, Alec’s voice was soft, so caring, so desperate to hold onto those he loved.

It wasn’t enough– it never was, no matter how much Magnus wanted it to be– but it was plenty.

Magnus caught sight of the greater demon with only seconds to spare, and just before he unwillingly dove into the swirling wisps that blew his hair across his face, he swore he saw his father’s crooked grin reflected in its eyes.

 

✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿

 

When he stumbled out on the other side, he was not disoriented like he thought he’d be, because stretching across his line of sight was the same street he had just been standing on. The only difference was that Alec was no longer there, the sun was sinking below the horizon, and when he lifted his hand and snapped his fingers, his magic was nowhere to be found.

Of course, this wasn’t the first time he had lost his magic, and he was sure it wouldn’t be the last. In fact, he had been in circumstances much more dire than this, and although he knew he now had to rely on the efforts of others, he had complete faith that he would be back home soon.

That was, of course, until he took one step and bumped into _himself_.

“Oh no,” his own voice immediately sounded, yet the words had not come from his mouth.

He was pulled into an empty alley within seconds, and he watched himself as he paced back and forth between the walls of the two buildings. His counterpart clutched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and his index finger as he walked, mumbling to himself too quietly for him to hear.

“Pardon me,” Magnus said, rolling his eyes, “but I’d appreciate it greatly if you would use your words.”

The Magnus of this dimension lifted his head with a glare.

“You won’t like what you hear.”

“That usually seems to be the case.”

They shared a sigh.

“You are not the first one to come here from an alternate dimension. The one before you-”

“Another version of us?”

“Yes. He closed the portal so that we would not end up in this situation again. There is no other way to exit this world.”

Magnus mulled this over for a moment, studying the flat style of his counterpart’s hair.

“There has to be another way,” he stated simply. “I would not have been able to enter otherwise. Alec will do whatever it takes.”

“Alec? So, he is a...Shadowhunter in your realm?”

Magnus smiled proudly as he replied, “The Head of the New York Institute.”

His counterpart hummed, eyes unfocused for a moment as he thought.

“There is a great sadness in you.” The words broke through the image in his head, and he met his own gaze. “Who have you lost?”

Magnus’ mouth fell open as he took in the sincere glint in his counterpart’s eye, and a lump expanded in his throat as he replied, “Almost everyone.”

They were both silent for a moment as the reality sunk into their skin.

“Your mother?”

“When I was a little boy, by her own hand.”

Another beat.

“Would you like to see her?”

Magnus had never been a simple man. His every decision was weighed down by a tragic past, and he had a horrible habit of overthinking every move he made. Even his most spontaneous moments were overshadowed by unshakeable insecurity. He could try all day to put on the persona of the High Warlock of Brooklyn, the man who had it all together, but there would always be doubt.

But this was an opportunity he had never seen coming, and before he could let himself ponder the repercussions, he breathed out three firm words.

“More than anything.”

 

✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿

 

They walked quickly through the streets of the city, and Magnus listened closely as his other self explained his own story.

“I was put up for adoption as a baby, but I reconnected with our mother when I turned eighteen. Unlike you– and many other versions of us– I am not immortal. We have met up for dinner many times, but I haven’t seen her in a few months. I was away for a while.”

Magnus caught a tiny smile spread across his counterpart’s face as he looked down at his hand, and noticed a thick gold band on his ring finger.

“Alexander?” he asked softly, a hopeful edge to his voice, and his counterpart nodded, his face flushed slightly.

“Alexander.”

The thought of having that ring on his finger, of saying vows and binding himself to Alec in a way he never had to anyone else before, it was intoxicating. But he couldn’t think too much on it right now. He had other matters to attend to.

“She works at a flower shop,” his counterpart continued, “and each evening she goes for a walk before she locks up. She should be here any minute.”

They paused at the corner, and Magnus’ nails dug into his palms as he turned to his other self, nerves shooting through his body.

“Thank you,” he said. “I hope that after this you will break free from our appearances and be able to live in peace.”

His counterpart smiled then, bright and sincere as he replied, “My life is more peaceful than most of ours, it seems. You, especially. Take care of yourself, Magnus, and let others take care of you.”

He turned without another word, and within moments he was out of sight, leaving Magnus alone to think on his words.

 _Take care of yourself, and let others take care of you_.

He closed his eyes for a moment, letting the sentiment sink into his brain, and when he opened them, his heart stopped.

Even after all these years, he recognized his mother immediately. Her hair hung in her face, straight and black. Dark circles lingered under her eyes, but her lips were tilted up, and for a moment Magnus stared at her, wondering what was different about her, before he realized.

In this dimension, she was genuinely _happy_.  

He remembered all the times she had forced a smile on her face as she looked into his cat eyes, her hopeless expression as she argued with his step father over his parentage, the wide frame of her eyes as she ushered him inside the house when his fingers sparked.

There was no evidence of that in this version of her. She was content. Different.

Magnus approached her anyway.

“Mama,” he said when she was in hearing distance, his voice breaking as he stepped forward.

Her eyes met his– the same color brown as his glamour– and lit up with a beautiful smile. She reached her hands out to him, her fingers wrapping around his own in a tight grip. She looked out of place, bathed in the light from passing cars, as though she was not meant to stand on wide city streets.

“Anakku,” she said simply, as though the sound of her voice didn’t have the power to break him into a million pieces. “You have changed since I last saw you.”

Centuries flashed before his eyes, each and every small prick of pain and giant slash of agony ripping through his veins once more as he remembered everything: all of the moments where he had to drag himself forward just to make it through the day, each sickening loss that cracked his bones and spewed blood over his innocence, each failure that brought him closer and closer to the edge of the Brooklyn bridge, each pair of kind eyes who guided him home when he thought he had nothing left. He remembered all of it, and it all started with his mother.

She was the beginning of his torment, the starting line of a life he had been unprepared for and unwilling to face, yet he loved her so fiercely he was sure his heart was going to beat a hole in his chest and send him crumpling to the ground. For hundreds upon hundreds of years he had felt a burning hatred in his chest, fueled by the knowledge that he had never been given a choice, but that his mother hadn’t been given one either. Asmodeus had manipulated her, abused her, forced a child that she could never have hoped to understand into her unwilling arms.

He wanted to hate her, to look her in the eyes as he finally placed all of the blame that he felt on her shoulders, but he was not a man who forced others to withstand his own burdens. He was no longer a child who could justify violence born from anger.

All he had ever hoped for since the day he found her with that keris in her chest was to feel the softness of her skin once more, to relearn the kindness of her heart, to have her close and remember what it was like to feel safe in a world that was unrelenting in its mission to destroy him.

He wanted to free them both.

“I am what you made me,” he replied, pulling her into a hug so she couldn’t see the tears finally spill from his eyes. “Kula tresna sliramu, mama. I forgive you.”

A strong gush of wind blew from behind him then, and before his mother could respond, he was pulled through a portal, left only with a final image of her arms falling as he was ripped from her grasp.

  


“Are you okay?” Alec breathed out as Magnus fell back into his chest, his eyes taking in the expanse of the Institute.

He was back in _his_ New York, and he should have been absolutely relieved, but all he felt was the crippling loss of a woman he never really knew.

Clary and Jace stood to the side, watching quietly as Alec slowly turned Magnus to face him. He could feel the gazes on him, knew that they all expected him to be his usual charming and dismissive self, but as he opened his mouth to speak, he knew he had no fight left in him. He closed it without responding, instead staring down at his fingers as they twisted his rings in a circle.

“You two can go,” Alec said after a few beats, not taking his eyes off of Magnus’ face but clearly addressing the others. “We’re good here.”

“Are you sure?” Clary asked.

“Go.”

It was only when their footsteps faded down the street that Magnus allowed his legs to give out. Alec held him up easily, bending down to slide his arm under his knees and lift him. Magnus curled his fingers into Alec’s shirt as he began walking, most likely in the direction of the loft. He didn’t speak, and Magnus was grateful, eager to focus on the sway of his steps rather than the emotional toll that he would no doubt be feeling for the next few days.

In a dull sweep of motions that all blended together, he ended up on his side of the bed, warmed by the body he knew so well pressing up against his back. The room was dark, reminiscent of the first few nights after he fled from his home as a child. He shook as though the cold was invading his skin once more, and he felt Alec grip him tighter.

“Aku nyuwun pangapunten,” he whispered in broken Javanese against the back of Magnus’ neck, his lips brushing soft sentiments into his skin. “I love you.”

 

✿❀✿❀✿❀✿❀✿

 

The first few days that followed passed in a dreary state of disbelief, and if it wasn’t for Alec’s constant check-ups and worried glances, Magnus might have already passed the whole experience off as a vivid dream. He found himself constantly replaying the memory with his mother in his head, desperately going on every detail so he wouldn’t forget a single moment.

It was foolish.

Time took what it pleased, and if he was going to live forever, there was a good chance that one day this would slip from his mind the same way small grains of sand fell through the cracks of the surest of fingers. But he wanted to hope for this new chance, this different version of his mother who saw the world in his eyes.

Time took, and broke, and reminded in the worst ways, but it also rekindled ancient flames and set once-bleak futures alight with an irreplaceable sort of optimism.

It was Magnus’ turn to grip it in his hands and shape it into something promising.

 _Take care of yourself, and let others take care of you_.

 

“Hey,” Alec said, offering him a warm smile as he entered the loft and immediately walked over to his side.

It was a beautiful picture Magnus was more than willing to paint.

**Author's Note:**

> So I used a translator other than google translate for the Javanese, but god knows if it's actually correct. I tried to test it on multiple websites, but it's always hard to tell if what i'm being given is correct. If you read this and happen to speak Javanese, please don't hesitate to correct me if there are any mistakes!
> 
> P.S. Did y'all know that Magnus wouldn't have actually spoken Indonesian, as it was not adopted as the official language yet back when he was a child? So technically, aku cinta kamu wouldn't be what he would use to say, "I love you." (It's still a very lovely sentiment, though)
> 
> So based on online sources:
> 
> Anakku: My child/My son
> 
> Aku nyuwun pangapunten: I'm sorry
> 
> Kula tresna sliramu: I forgive you
> 
> Like I said, feel free to correct me if those are wrong!


End file.
